Chapter 2

September 22

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

	Something roused Mark from his sleep this morning, at the edge of consciousness prodding him even as he slept. A sound maybe, no a smell, he smelled something familiar. Trying to identify it now as the fog of slumber slowly melted from his mind he breathed deeply and smelled, bacon? Was he dreaming or was he actually smelling bacon, and if he was why? Suddenly sitting bolt upright in bed he realized the implications of the smell, someone was in his home. Someone who wasn’t invited! But who, and why were they downstairs in his kitchen frying bacon? Slipping quietly out of bed he grabbed his jeans off the floor and slid into them then threw on the t-shirt laying at his feet. Silently opening the drawer of the nightstand beside the bed he withdrew the Glock 34 and jammed it in the waist of his pants at his back. He creeped out of the bedroom onto the walkway trying to see into the kitchen and listening to the sounds coming from the room trying to ascertain who the intruder was. Slipping silently down the stairs he hugged the wall until he reached the doorway into the kitchen. Who ever it was they weren’t trying to be quiet, as if they were supposed to be here. Pulling the pistol from behind his back he tensed ready to spring. Snapping off the safety as he brought the weapon to eye level as he quickly entered the kitchen immediately drawing a bead on the intruder and froze.

“Damn it Sam, you just about got your self shot this morning babe. What are you doing here anyway?” Mark said as he snapped the safety back on and lay the weapon on the counter beside the coffee pot.

“Shit Mark I think I pissed myself,” Sam said checking the front of her shorts. “I take it then you forgot calling me last night all lovey dovey asking me to come up for breakfast this morning?”

“Ah hell, yea I did sorry babe, yesterday was just a really weird day.” he said grabbing a cup from the cabinet above him and pouring himself a cup of coffee. He turned around and leaned against the counter top as he took a tentative sip of the dark brown steaming liquid. Sam made the best coffee he ever drank.

“Well and here I thought I was unforgettable,” she said giggling softly, ‘guess I was wrong.”

“No that’s not it at all,’ he said lowering his head slightly a bit ashamed of himself, “had my usual appointment with the shrink yesterday.” 

“And did you finally say anything to him other then shut the fuck up and leave me alone?” she asked off handedly expecting the usual answer.

“First time for everything I guess, yea I did. I told him about the event in the cafeteria that landed me in court ordered therapy.” he even surprised himself that he had said it so bluntly.

“What? You finally told him about that?” she said nearly dropping the plates she had just removed from the cabinet. After a moment to recover from the shock that he was maybe beginning to open up, she walked over to the stove and dished up their breakfast, bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs and hash brown potatoes on to the plates.

“Ok breakfast is ready, sit your ass down, your going to eat and tell me about it,” she was stunned but she wanted to know what had suddenly cracked the nearly impenetrable shell he had always guarded so fiercely.

 In fact as far as she could tell she’d been the only one to even scratch it, he didn’t seem to have many friends, and most of those were people from his hometown that he had known for many years. At school he was a loner, seldom talking to anyone, never hanging out with any group, he even ate alone seemingly not wanting any kind of companionship at all. At least until a few days after the fight in the cafeteria. He knew her then as Samuel, the effeminate Saluki boy that was the brunt of more rude comments and vicious rumors then he cared to think about. He had asked him about being his lab partner as a way to try to strike up a conversation, not knowing that Matt Brenningmeyer had targeted Mark for the days torment. When he had bounded up from the table shoving her to the side she had thought at first he was mad at her. But soon realized he was trying to get her out of harms way, even though he thought of her as a guy back then. She had went to bat for him telling her side of the confrontation, but since he had injured all five of them and sent them to the hospital the circumstances didn’t really matter much. Then a couple of days later she had ran into him in the hallway outside of the chemistry lab. He had apologized for being rough with him and said he’d give it a try having a lab partner. They didn’t become friends really, more like tolerable opponents in the beginning. Within a week they were actually getting along pretty well and he had started chatting with her some. 

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It was a week after that he had asked her to meet him after school at the coffee shop three blocks from the school. Her heart nearly leapt from her chest when he did, a million thoughts running through her mind. They had chatted about school and several other things that she couldn’t even remember now, it had been such a thrill just to be talking with someone who didn’t treat her like the butt of a joke. At one point he had leaned in conspiratorially and said, “I hope I don’t offend you Sam, but to paraphrase a line from one of my favorite erotica stories by a great writer,  care to tell me why you smell like pussy?” She had blushed so hard at his forward question she was sure they could see it from space. She stammered for what seemed like forever before she leaned close to his ear and said “you can call me Sam, but my name, my real name is Samantha.” The look of shock on Marks face had clearly indicated that he had expected a different answer. After several silent minutes he finally spoke. “Ummmm sorry if I offended you Sam, err Samantha, but how..........?   He was clearly confussed, but she quickly decided to take a risk and explained her situation too him, “Well I was born intersexed, a hermaphrodite, my dad wanted a son so badly I was raised male. But when I was nine years old I developed a rare form of testicular cancer, pretty aggressive from what my mom has told me. Long story short at best as a male I would have been totally sterile and it was beginning to spread rapidly. It broke my dads heart but to save my life he agreed to a gender assignment operation that resulted in me being female. For several years after that he insisted I be dressed as a boy and refused to let me take the hormone shots to develop my feminine side fully. So I ended up like this, from the waist up I appear male though very effeminate, but downstairs it’s a different story . So your a guy with a pussy?  A cunt boy? He had said, instantly apologizing for being brash and crude about it. Over time they had become somewhat close, outcasts drawn together he’d always said, as close to being friends as she thought he was capable of being, and she hoped lovers, especially after his call last night and the unexpected invitation to breakfast.
She’d tried to seduce him several times over the past three weeks with no luck. She wasn’t sure if it was her that he wasn’t interested in that way or not. He was the first male she had ever let know she was a female let alone tried to seduce or even be alone with. She was a virgin in every way imaginable. But today, she hoped, that might change.........

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Turning her attention to Mark she set the plate in front of him and as she walked to the other side of the table setting her plate down and herself into the chair she said, “Ok puppy boy, out with it."

“You’ve kept so closed mouth about everything about that day, hell even about you in general Mark, why the sudden change of heart? You never talk to any one more then a few words or a hearty fuck off.”

“I’m not sure to be honest, the guy has been hounding me from day one to open up, talk about my feelings, the usual psycho babble bullshit. I guess I just finally got tired of the same thing week after week. So I finally told him about the fight in the cafeteria. To be honest I still don’t know exactly why, but I think maybe you had something to do with it.” he admitted a slightly sheepish look on his face.

“Me? How did I have anything to do with it?” the look on her face was a mix of surprise and confusion.

“You’ve had more of an effect on me then you know Sam, and in a good way, a lot of good ways to be honest. You’ve given me something that was missing without me even realizing it was. Someone not attached to me that gives a shit about me, and that I care about. I thank you for that and for being a good friend, I’ve missed that more then I knew.

“And yea, it did kinda make me feel a little bit better to open up a bit. So yea, I guess maybe he’s right, and you too sugar. Maybe it is time to start facing my demons. So be prepared to put up with a bigger asshat then you have been so far. Possibly an Emo asshat at that.”

“Wait, you care about me?” she asked him surprised and unsure she had heard him say it.
“What do you mean you care about me? As a fiend or.......”she wanted to say or as more but as much as she wanted to know, she was afraid to hear him say no.

“As a friend yes, but as more then that also Sam,” he said softly. 

“Well enough of that for now, eggs are getting cold and I’m starvin.” he said brightening up some as he dug into his breakfast.
They finished their breakfast and Mark gathered the dishes and took them to the sink. As he was turning around from the sink he glanced back to the table, Sam was sitting there staring out the patio doors a wistful look on her face. 

He quietly walked over behind her and bending down whispered in her ear, “what’s on your mind sweet cheeks?”

“Mark, when’s the last time you went skinny dipping,” she said smiling softly as she turned her head and looked into his eyes. 

“It’s been a while, a long while, what are you up to girl? You trying to get me naked and take advantage of it to seduce me?” he returned her smile batting his eyelashes at her.

 “Maybe I am, and maybe I just happen to like being naked in a mountain lake, being naked in a lake with a hot guy never hurts either.” she said purposely not looking at him.

“Sheeeesh, never knew you were a slut Sam,”he said chuckling softly as he walked into the living room.

“Nope, can’t possibly be a slut when your a virgin,” she said flatly.

*Thump* “Shit,” Mark hollered.

“You ok in there?” Sam asked as she rose from her chair. When she walked into the living room she found Mark sitting on the couch rubbing his right shin.

“Yea, ummmm walked into the table that’s all” he said looking up at her sheepishly.

“Oh come now, knowing what you know about me don’t tell me it surprises you that I’m still a virgin?” She giggled as she saw him blush.

“Well I guess it shouldn’t but yea it does a little, I mean surely there was or is someone that ummm.......” he wasn’t sure how he should end the question, but she answered for him.

“Yes there have been a few guys along the way that I’ve liked but honestly, there’s only ever been one I had the courage to even speak to, let alone tell them I was what I am” she said blushing at her admission.

“Oh really, and who might tha..... Oh yea, never mind,” he said stopping himself when he realized she meant him.

She walked over and sat down beside him on the couch turning to look at him as she asked, “Mark I want you to be honest with me, do you really think I’m pretty or are you just being kind with your flattery?”

“Honestly Sam no I don’t think your pretty, I do however think your beautiful. As beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside, your a much stronger person than you give yourself credit for Samantha” he hoped she saw the honesty and sincerity in his eyes.

‘Do......do you find me attractive at all, or am I just wasting my time?” she asked him.

“Yes I do, but I don’t understand why you insist on hiding who you really are. Alone with me like this you show your feminine side. You come out of your shell and show the side of you that is sexy, alluring and enticing.” he blushed saying these things to her so frankly.

“And still you have yet to make a pass at me of any kind or in any way,” she said starting to get off the couch and storm off.

He reached out his paw taking hold of her arm, he wasn’t going to allow her to retreat away from him again. He couldn’t, the problem was not her but himself, he had to try to make her understand it for both of their sakes.

“Samantha, please sit back down and hear me out first, I .........I want to make a pass at you, and far more then that,” she stopped trying to pull away from him and turned to look him in the eyes.

“Y...your serious aren’t you? I can see it in your eyes, but if you want to then why don’t you?”
She was confussed, he really did want to but it was like he refused to act on it.

He let her arm go and she sat back down beside him and turned to watch his face as he continued.

“Yes Samantha, I’m completely serious, your not the problem in any way, I am the problem. Sam you know better than anyone how I’ve closed out the world and almost everyone in it. I don’t talk to people, I don’t hang out with people, I just don’t want to be around people. I get up, go to school and come back here and live like a damn hermit, it’s been like that for over two years. For all that time it’s been a self imposed exile, an attempt to protect myself from the world, from people, from the demons of the past that haunt me and from ever being hurt again. Until, for what ever reason, you came into my life Samantha Thompson. I’m serious when I say, that because of you, the walls or shell or what ever it is that I build around myself for protection is cracking, breaking apart. And it scares the living hell out of me, I am utterly terrified of what I know is on the other side of that barrier. Life, joy, happiness, love every good thing there is waits just on the other side. But so do the bad things, pain, suffering, heart ache and loss all wait there too. I do want to be with you Sam, more than I have wanted anything in a very long time, but I don’t want to drag you into the pit of doom and despair I’ve created for myself by trying to hide from my demons. You deserve far better then being dragged through someone else’s personal hell, my personal hell. You deserve better then to be used and discarded, which I fear I would do to you, and I could never forgive myself for it.” Every word seemed to bring him more pain then the one before it. The thought, the fear that he could even possibly treat the beautiful Saluki girl seated next to him as anything less then the special creature she was terrified him, nearly froze his blood in his veins and clawed at his heart.

“At least now I understand Mark but answer me this, are you serious about facing those demons?” She understood his fears, she had many of the same fears herself.

“Yes, I don’t know if I have the strength for it but yes I am. I can’t keep living like this” he said staring at the coffee table in front of him.

“Mark since we’ve been friends, even as short of a time as it’s been you’ve told me a lot about your wiccan faith and your Goddess. How she shows you the path if you look for her guidance and brings the things and the people you need into your life. If you truly believe that then you know the reason I came into your life. I’ve been brought into your life because you need me. Just as I believe you’ve been brought into my life because I need you. I’ve thought that almost from day one. I believe it more then ever after what you just told me, we’re meant to be together for a time anyway. I’ve never believed any of the dogma or rhetoric of any religion, they all claim the love and caring of their version of a divine deity. But if that’s true then why am I what I am? You say you’ve hidden yourself away living like a hermit, and I’ve hidden myself away hiding behind what other people think I am and what I should be. Yes alone with you like this I do show my feminine side, because for the first time in my life there is someone I feel that I can show that side of me, someone I want to show that side of myself to. We’ve both hidden ourselves away from the world, and still some force of the cosmos found us and brought us together. I don’t think it was by chance Mark, since we met we’ve both let the walls we built to keep the world out start to crack and break. So I ask you, what do we do now? Do we go our separate ways, repair the walls and each of us go on in our self imposed solitude? Or do we go forward and trust in what we each hold to, what we both feel to be divine intervention. I know what I choose, I’m tired of hiding, lurking in the shadows and having a maybe life, I want to have a real life and be who I feel I am. But I know I can’t do it alone, and I’m certain of who is supposed to help, me and who I’m supposed to help. But it’s up to you what you do and I don’t want to push you into a decision, but I’ve waited for long enough, I’m not waiting much longer.”

She said all that she felt there was to say, he’d have to decide for himself where it went from here. She hoped he’d see that she was right, that is was fate, or kismet, or karma, or what ever else he wanted to call it, but that something, some cosmic force had brought them to each other when they needed someone the most. She rose from the couch and walked out the patio doors to stand on the deck overlooking the expanse of the valley behind the cabin and waited.

Several long minutes passed as she leaned against the railing of the deck her elbows propped on top and her paws on either side of her face as she gazed at the sea of grass and wild flowers before her. She had thought that he had decided to stay hidden behind his shield and was steeling herself against the look in his eyes when she walked back through the cabin and out the front door for what would be the last time. Then she heard a sound behind her, a soft ticking sound, the sound of tow claws as they came slowly towards her across the deck. A paw wrapped gently over her right shoulder as he turned her to face him.

“Your right Sam, something did bring us together and ever since the walls have been cracking and buckling. I hope I have the strength that you need and that I need for myself. I’ve made the choice, to move forward. But I have to tell you, being close to anyone, and being intimate with anyone, opening myself up to the possibility of being hurt again is my biggest fear. The single biggest demon that haunts and hunts me and tears at my heart is putting myself in a position to get my heart broken again. But for you, for both of us I have to do it, your right Sam we both have been living a maybe life. It’s time for that to end, I can’t go on doing this anymore either. So, where do we go from here, where do we start?” 

His eyes were misty, he was on the verge of tears and he was obviously frightened by his own decision. She didn’t know what had happened in his past that had hurt him so deeply and so profoundly, she may never know. But she knew that this was the reason she had somehow found the courage to speak to him that fateful day in the cafeteria. This was where she was supposed to be at this moment, to be there with him as they both struggled to find their way back from the abyss of pain and fear they had both stared into for so long.

Holding out her left paw to him she said, “take my paw and trust me as I trust you. We will find our way back to a real life, a happy life, a life we both want and need. We’ll go as slow as we need to, but we have to start somewhere and I have an idea of how to do that. So all I ask is trust me and tell me if I’m going too fast.”

Reaching out he placed his paw in hers and looking into her eyes he said, “I do trust you Samantha, more than I ever thought I would trust anyone ever again.”

She slowly lead him back inside and upstairs to his bedroom to stand beside his bed. She slowly began to undress him, gently brushing against him as she pulled up his t-shirt peeling it from his body and dropping it to the floor beside them. She reached down to take off her own shirt and was surprised when he touched his paws to hers and said, 
”please, let me do it Samantha.” She stood stock still as he slowly slide his hands up the soft fur of her sides as he removed the pale green tank top she was wearing. Once they were both bare-chested they wrapped each other in an embrace that seemed clumsy and awkward for two teenagers. Hesitantly they embraced each other, holding onto the other lightly almost as if they held a fragile thing that may break and be lost forever. For several long moments they held each other, one arm wrapped around the others waist, their free paws slowly and tenderly stroked the others back as she rested her head on his shoulder both of them sighing softly.

Samantha raised her head and looked deeply into his eyes and asked, “ so, are you ready to go just a bit further or would you rather just stand here like this?”

“Maybe a little further, what did you have in mind Samantha?”, his voice trembled, more from nervousness then desire she thought to herself. But she wanted to press him just a bit further.

“I want you to strip down to your underwear and lay together with me in your bed and just cuddle if you feel you can do that.” Her voice was calm and even a bit soothing he thought, but what she was asking flared his fears all over again. He wanted to bolt and run from the room, to flee from the embrace he shared with her. He knew it was unreasonable to feel that way, hell it was down right insane, but his fears were all to real to him. But she was being very patient with him and leaving it up to him. He didn’t want to disappoint her, or to frighten her by reacting harshly to such a simple request. It was a small step forward, but to him it felt as if he looked into the abyss and contemplated leaping from the edge. But she was right, he needed, and if he was honest with himself he wanted to move forward, to find the way back to his old life. The life he had left behind in the wake of his pain and torment, of his unimaginable grief two years ago when his world had ended.......’NO! I can’t go there again,’ he thought to himself, ‘if I go down that road now, I’ll never make it back again. I can’t do that to Samantha. I can’t drag her into that pit with me so I can go there again.’

“Ok, I’ll try Samantha, for you, for us, I’ll try.” he said as he let his arms lowly slip from her body and took a couple of steps backwards. He unfastened the button of his jeans and pulled down the zipper. Taking them by the waistband he slid them down to the floor and sticking his thumbs into his socks stepped out of them kicking the pile of clothing behind him. He then knelt on the bed and crawled to the other side and lay down facing her. She turned her back to him and shimmied out of the skin tight shorts she wore and lay down facing him. .

“Here’s exactly what I expect to happen, hugging, cuddling, spooning probably and maybe some kissing, nothing more. If anything else does happen fine, if not that’s fine too. I’m not going to rush you but I’m not letting you hide anymore. Got that my puppy friend?” she said gazing into his brown eyes.

“Got it my puppy friend.” he replied.

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	They had lain there for almost two hours cuddling and spooning, their bodies pressed together caressing each others backs or him caressing her front, one or the other stealing an occasional tender kiss. It was achingly hard for Samantha to keep herself in check to keep from raping him. But she found the willpower to do so and it was starting to pay off very, very slowly. Mark had been a bundle of nerves the first half an hour, seeming to be on the verge of fleeing from the bed at the slightest touch or shift of her weight. What ever it was that had hurt him to the point of withdrawing from the world must have been horrific to him. It was going to take time but he was worth it, worth the wait for him to be ready to take her virginity and be her first lover, she could wait, she would wait how ever long it took. She had gotten up to go to the bathroom and when she came back out she found the bed empty, thinking he may have finally given in to his urge to flee she padded out to the walkway and saw him coming out of the kitchen carrying a large tray with sandwiches and sodas on it as well as a few items she couldn’t quite make out from this distance. He was walking slowly to not disturb the trays contents and, .....he was whistling, she’d never heard him do that before. Seeing that he had some kind of surprise for her in mind she quietly slipped back into the bedroom and got into the bed facing away from the door as she had been when he left the room.

Mark came in the door and set the tray on the end of the dresser carefully. Quietly creeping over to the bed he knelt down beside it and leaned over Samantha nibbling on her ear softly. Her giggles told him she was awake and he nibbled his way down her neck to her shoulder.

“My but someone seems rather frisky all of a sudden,” she said giggling as she turned her head to gaze into his deep brown eyes.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’ll sto....” she interrupted him by planting a passionate kiss on his lips.
His eyes went wide and she thought she may have pushed him too fast, but he quickly recovered from the surprise of her kiss and closed his eyes parting his lips and allowing her tongue entry into his muzzle. She took the chance and let her tongue dance playfully around his mouth savoring her first french kiss and the taste of his mouth. Several long moments later she broke the kiss, “did I tell you to stop silly boy,” Samantha asked breathily.

“Thought you might want a snack,” he said indicating the tray on the dresser, “or a drink maybe.”

He walked over to the tray and turning his back he took something from it. Hiding it behind his back as he turned and walked to stand beside her he said, “or maybe some of this,” as he brought the can of Reddi Wip around and sprayed a dollop of the topping onto each nipple quickly drawing an meandering line from her breasts down her chest and stomach to her panties as she giggled madly.

“Now look at the mess you’ve made of me, you know you’ll have to clean this up don’t you,” she said trying to look scoldingly at him despite the huge grin on her muzzle.

“Well if you insist, then I guess I’ll have to just get a washcloth and clean you off,” he said teasingly as he turned towards the bathroom.

“Oh no you don’t mister,” she said grabbing his arm and pulling him down to her. As she shifted her grip laying her paw on the back of his head guiding him to her right nipple, “use your mouth to clean this mess up.”

“Yes ma’am,” he said sounding far more giggly then pouty as he ran his tongue over her stiff nipple removing the glop of whipped topping in a single stroke. He lapped at the stiff nub several more times then suckled eagerly but gently for several seconds before she guided his head to her other nipple saying, “now this one.” Once he had both her nipples ‘clean’ she moved his head between her slight breasts and told him, “now clean up the rest of the mess you made, and don’t stop till I’m completely clean you bad boy.”

He lowered his mouth to her chest and licked her fur clean slowly following the line of whipped cream as he placed his left paw on her thigh slowly caressing her from the hip to the knee. As he worked his way closer to her crotch he could smell her arousal and it was getting to him quickly. He wanted so badly to mount her and fill her with his cock, but as usual the fear of being intimate rose it’s ugly head again. By the time he had cleaned the stuff from her fur his muzzle was less than two inches from her slit and the panic he felt was stronger then his desire for her. Pulling away from her he turned and sat on the floor beside the bed hugging himself and shaking as he fought the nearly overwhelming urge to run out of the room.

At first Samantha had thought little of him stopping, but as she opened her eyes she caught a glimpse of him sitting beside the bed and realized her was trembling. From his ragged breathing she thought it was from arousal, until she heard him mumbling to himself. She realized what she heard in his quiet voice was fear. She quickly gathered up the sheet wrapping it around herself hoping it was the right thing to do as she spoke to him. 

“Mark, are you ok? I..........I’m sorry Mark I didn’t mean to upset you,” she said as she came around to kneel in front of him. She reached out a paw to touch him but stopped seeing the wild look in his eyes. He looked like a feral bunny trapped in a corner with nowhere to run, unable to escape what was hunting it. It broke her heart to see him like this, he always seemed so strong and self assured most of the time. She had under estimated the depth of his torment and fears. Unsure of what to do she went to the other side of the bed and quickly dressed.

She knelt in front of him again, he still had that same fearful look in his eyes not seeming to even see her.

“I’m so sorry Mark I didn’t mean to bring up anything that you weren’t ready to deal with, I......I better go. Let......let me know if there’s anything I can do to help, I’m so so sorry.”

He wanted to tell her to stay, to tell her it wasn’t her fault, a hundred different things he  wanted to say to her and yet he sat there frozen in fear unable to utter a sound. He’d heard the sorrow in her voice and was unable to say a word. He heard her walk down the stairs and moments later the sound of the engine as she started her truck and drove away, and still all he could do was sit there like a stone unable to move, unable to speak.. He could let it drive him deeper into the pit of despair, or he could see that it was the things he’d let slip from his life that kept him in that pit. All the things he had hidden from for so long, were the very things that had made him feel so alive years ago. Human contact, friendship, desire, passion, even.....love, all these things he had denied himself. He had cast them from his life to keep them from hurting him again, and in so doing he had become afraid of them, unreasonably so. Jamal had been right all along, if he didn’t deal with his demons they would consume him. The one person who had been willing to help him he had treated like a door mat, and yet the man had persisted.

“I       I can’t keep living like this,” he was surprised to hear the fear in his own voice.
“Oh Samantha, I’m so sorry,” he said to the empty room.